Owning My Bullshit

I went to the doctor yesterday, and while the diagnosis was an upper respiratory
infection, it was the weigh-in and blood pressure check that turned out to be the most telling moments.

I'd done this dance before.  A year ago, I made a big pronouncement to friends that, with six months to go before my 50th birthday, I wasn't going to stand for my half-century mark to arrive and me not be fit and healthy again.   But, motivation quickly turned to business as usual, and now I stand on the other side of fifty, still overweight, on the cusp of a high blood pressure diagnosis, and constantly pushing against a tide of anxieties.

Jesus.  Physician, heal thyself already.  I was a vegetarian for three years.  I wrote for a vegan cooking show.  I was a 10k runner and a FitWit regular.   I'm a meditator.  I have a gym membership and a yoga mat.  I read all the right books on care for the mind, spirit, and body.   And yet.

And yet.

Here I am.

This time, instead of making a public display of my efforts, I'm taking a different approach.  This is just me this time.  No effort to show off, seek public support, or organize a cheerleading squad.  This is my own personal journey, and it's one to be taken for myself, by myself.

So, while this is a blog rather than a private journal, it's certainly private enough (no one knows it exists excepting a few spambots out there).  Here, I'll record ideas, successes, setbacks, quotes, lessons learned, and - most importantly - results.

With that, I submit my Day One findings.  Yesterday, the doctor's office scales told me I weight 212.7 pounds.  I haven't weighed that much since the early 90's, when I was young and fat.  I don't want to be old and fat.    Sure, it was the week after the holidays and some of that *might* be extra pounds from too much turkey and pie, but eventually those extra pounds just become the regular pounds.  And the "new normal" just floats to a higher and higher number.

Just as profoundly unsettling is my Blood Pressure.  155 over 94.  And that was the second reading...after the higher one that the nurse didn't like.   This has been a concern for a couple of years, as I went from a steady 120 over 80 to numbers that bordered on high.  Now I've tipped into high and seem to be leveling off there as well.   I'm a stress monkey.  I absorb it like a sponge.  I'm a guy who likes to present himself as 'glass half full' but I'm always scared to death that glass is going to come crashing down to the ground, surrounding my bare feet with jagged shards.   Some of it is heredity, some of it is reinforced habit.  None of it is the right way to live.

I live cautiously.  I live carelessly.  I'm fearful of risk, and yet I continue to take risks with my well being each day.  I'm a well meaning hypocrite, preaching a lifestyle of presence and courage, while not fully willing or capable of living those values myself.

Facebook, Food, and Fear have replaced Productivity, Presence, and Power.  I used to feel I was living a life of purpose and enthusiasm.   Somewhere, I got off track.  I want it back.  I can have it back.  But I have to work for it, and I can't let every little distraction and disappointment derail me, as I have the past few years.

So, here, I will add entries that contribute to the record of my journey as well as keep me fueled and focused on my goals.  Those goals?  Coming in my next post.

For now, here's to keeping my passion for good health burning through the remainder of my fiftieth year.  It's now or never.  And I'm tired of my own bullshit.